Life Without Call of Duty

Millions of children are running around the battlefield sending tube, after tube, flying in the air. Thousands of wives are ignored while their husbands are engrossed in a game of Search and Destroy. Hundreds of people are ordering a new controller after they flung their past companion into a wall. And only a few people have no idea what I am talking about.

call-of-dutyCall of Duty. One of the most popular gaming franchises of all-time. The game that everybody loves to hate or hates to love. We all have a different opinion on which Call of Duty game is our favorite. We all remember that first nuke we let off in Modern Warfare 2. We all complain about lag on twitter. But, what would happen if Call of Duty never existed? How would life be different? Would cancer be cured by scientists who could spend more time in the lab than on a couch? Would bone fractures in thumbs be less likely? Or would Amanda Bynes never have gone crazy? It is my job to dive into all of the likely scenarios that would take place if Call of Duty never existed.

First off, Amanda Bynes would still be crazy. Life after Nickelodean is rough on some people. Now, onto the first big problem that arises if Call of Duty never existed: Finding a way to settle an argument. The classic ’1v1 quickscoping’ just would not be possible without CoD. So how would these arguments have been decided? My guess would be 1v1 breath holding contest. How else would kids (or even some adults) decide who truly has ‘no life’ than by not being that guy to pass out. Unfortunately, the art of t-bagging would still exist, which the loser of said competition would have to endure. The winner can feel triumphant and walk away after a swift squatting exercise.

ForeverAloneThe second most likely thing to happen would be for all of us to have girlfriends/boyfriends. All of the money spent on games, gaming accessories, DLC, and Monster energy drinks could be swallowed up by those pesky spouses. Name one girl or guy that would break up with someone that threw extra money at them constantly. That is right, you can’t. Let us use a real life example: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. Why do you think Kanye is dating Kim? Think it is because of love? No. It is simply from Kim taking away Kanye’s Call of Duty privileges. Now all of that money is being funded for Kim’s cake obsessions. Just ask Kris Humphries. Case closed. We would never be single again. You can thank Call of Duty for you being forever alone.

Now it is time for the final change that would take place. Brace yourselves… the end of the world is coming. That is right. Life as you know it would no longer exist. The world would be gone.

planet explosionHow you ask? It is simple really. Teenagers would have no way to let off some steam. They would destroy the world simply by boredom and dangerously high levels of emotions and testosterone. Teenage boys would be deprived from rage quitting, trickshotting, dropshotting, noobtubing, trolling, or any other thing you can think of that ends with -ing. Their brains would go crazy without a chance to ‘pwn some n00bs’. Parents would have to spend more time with their crazy teenage children without relying on Call of Duty to babysit them for hours. The parents could not take that type of punishment. The teenagers would rise up and control the world. It would just reek of Axe body spray everywhere you went. Skrillex would be blasted over every speaker available on Earth. With all of those excess fumes, high emotions, and built up testosterone, the world would explode. The world would literally rage quit. Boom. Life as we know it is gone thanks to Axe and bangarang.

So before you guys go to Vonderhaar complaining about something too OP or how much you hate Call of Duty, stop and think for a second. What would happen if Call of Duty didn’t exist? Life would be over, that’s what would happen. Yeah, we would have a brief bragging period of laughing at Amanda Bynes with our girlfriend or boyfriend, or winning an O-Sports (Oxygen Sports league) tournament worth $400k, but some of us would never have time to get a tattoo we regret, see how bad the Xbox One will be, or find out who came first, the chicken or the egg.

We need Activision just as much as they need us. Life without Call of Duty would be horrible. So go grab a headset and a scuf controller, because it is time to drop a moab on some unsuspecting fools.

the author

Ryan Elliott is a 22 year old student working on a Journalism & Mass Communication Degree at Iowa State University. I play so many video games that my thumbs have six packs. I usually get my game on to Call of Duty, sport games, League of Legends, or any other game that floats my boat. Feel free to get to know me even better on Youtube.com/tangytoddler and @tangytoddler

  • Juhis815

    But, one thing that always bugs me that too many FPS games try to chase after Call of Duty -audience, but usually with mixed results. I’m not here to complain, but Call of Duty has turned FPS -genre into something that isn’t same as it was in 90s.

    • Noah Martin

      I would have to disagree to an extent. I feel that if Call of Duty wasn’t the franchise that defined, and altered, a genre it would have just been another franchise like it. Also, in response to the article (and this isn’t here to start a fight) I think Halo: Combat Evolved deserves a lot of credit for defining water FPS were and what they could be.